Anxiety

So I’m studying to be a photographer and I love it. But right now there are some things that I am struggle with. I am confident in front of the camera, but get me behind it and I become extremely shy. Working with strangers and trying to fake the confidence that I don’t have is very hard. It is something that I am working on and hopefully it will get better.

I recently helped an associate photograph a wedding. It was not easy and I was uncomfortable the whole time. I didn’t really feel in my element. But when I watch my associate throughout the wedding he poured confidence throughout his whole demeanor. Granted this said photographer has a lot more experience than me, but I felt like I need to be there now if I am going to do anything with my work.

I like being a photography student but I’m worrying about how I will like being a photographer. It takes a lot of ambition and drive to get out there. Not to mention the time, energy and the financial toll it takes.

Bottom line is, I’m nervous. I want to be extremely good and so there is a ton of pressure that I put on myself. And I am good. I see the big picture and all of the technical stuff is starting to come together. I really just need more experience and maybe a stronger portfolio and then I will have more confidence.

It is hard when you yourself are the brand though. My name is going out there on a product and that is a very scary thing. But also really exciting!!! :)

Side Note…

So I went on a search to confirm the number that my dad had given me. And while I was unable to find fact that would back up what he said (heck I couldn’t even find one that gave me any numbers at all), I did stumble across two Web sites that I thought would be very useful to people who want to get more involved with our local government.

One Web site sponsored by Google was a mapping site. On this site you could put in your home address and it told you where your household was scheduled to vote. It even gave you a map and step by step directions on how to get to the location. This Web site had a very long URL but you should be able to find it with its title 2008 US Voter Info.
The other Web site that I found useful was www.idahovotes.gov/Clerk.htm. This Website had a list of all of the politicians here locally in Bannock County. It had listed their names and position as well as addresses, phone numbers, and e-mail links. It also has links on how to become a poll worker, and how to register to vote. This Web site also has a link on where you go to cast your ballot come Election Day.

Shouldn’t we be shifting our focus to the election that happens every two years not every four years?

I was sitting at the kitchen table with my father and my stepmother yesterday and my dad started talking about a subject that I think needs to be addressed. With the presidential election so near of course our topic of discussion was politics. Of course we spoke of the presidential candidates, but then man dad said something that truly scared me.
My dad started talking about local elections and how local politicians really affect the community. I don’t know the truth behind the numbers, but my father claimed to have read that only 12 percent of the community votes on local elections when the vote doesn’t fall along side a presidential election. Only 12 percent! That is ridiculous.

I think that this is an issue that needs to be addressed immediately throughout our community. I know that the presidential election affects us as citizen of the United States, but these smaller elections affect us almost everyday in our small communities. I really think that something needs to be done here!

Living together before marriage….the why's and why not's. The ugly truth to why I did it.

Growing up for me wasn’t always easy. I grew up in a house with two parents that only had time for each other. They were stuck in this honeymoon phase that can only be described as a neglectful trance. I was often made to feel as if I didn’t belong and the knowledge of my presence in the room was met with great annoyance. I usually sat and listened to conversations that my parents were having wanting to voice my opinion but experience had shown me that speaking would only lead to blank stares. I wanted so desperately to have a voice.

So when I got to the age when I could move out I did. Desperate to get out of a hard situation I took the easy way out. I moved in with the guy I was dating (this was after the separation of me and my too young husband of course). It was easy. He helped take care of me in a way I had never been taken care of and he seemed to listen to me when I talked. I was in heaven. I finally had a voice. But was I in love?? Not hardly. Did I love him…sure he is still one of my best friends to this day, but was he the one? No and the sad thing is that if I am completely open and honest with myself and those around me, I knew he wasn’t the one when I put myself in the situation. It was a situation of convenience, and a short term answer to feelings that had been going on long term. So I vowed after that relationship fell apart that I would never live with a man again until we were husband and wife.

Last week I signed a six month lease with my boyfriend. Going back on a vow that I made to myself was not easily done. It took a lot of thought on my part and this is what I figured out…I’m in love! I have finally given to someone complete and total dedication. I feel strange going back on my word, however in this case I’m not taking the easy way out. In fact this way is a lot harder because of the words that I now have to eat with my head held high. But it’s worth it because he is worth it.

So if you take anything out of this it should be; never say never, you can’t predict the future and if you are going to make this decision make it for the right reasons. Nothing is worse than having to pack your bags and move out of a place because of a break up.

What does it really mean to be married?? Do young couples really enter into the commitment with the right thought process??

I’ve started to question this recently due to many events that have happened lately. First I guess it has come to my attention due to the massive amount of females that I associate with getting engaged and planning weddings. Now this is not to say that I’m not excited for them. I am. I just really hope that they all realize what they are doing.

As someone that has already made the mistake of getting married without realizing the magnitude of the decision, I feel that this is one thing that I can talk about because I have the experience. The first time that I decided to become a wife I really had no idea what it meant. I had no idea that to be in a successful marriage you had to give yourself completely to such an exclusive partnership. I had no idea that when you made those vows the words I, me, and mine left your vocabulary completely and were replaced with words like ours, we, and us. When I first took the plunge I was 17 and had no idea what it truly meant to be a wife, a partner, and a companion.

Six years later as a 23 year old woman I am finally starting to understand. I understand now how to put someone else before all others and how to value their opinions over anyone else’s. I am now able to see how to be someone’s partner and how to compromise to keep a balance within a relationship. I think that it is a rare understanding and a rare ability to be able to really think this way.

I see getting married among women my age as something they just have to do. I wish more women would really think about what it is they were doing and who they were doing it with. I think it would help a lot with the divorce rate in this country.

Well this is me.....

Yeah I guess i do have a lot to say, but the real question is where to start? Should I just dive in and start talking about my ambition of becoming a well rounded member of the design industry and how much I love the fact that i will get paid to do something I enjoy so much? Should I start by thinking aloud about relationships and how I found the man that i want to spend my life with and yet, contrary to what I thought growing up, he is not perfect in every way? Or there is always my demented childhood and family drama that i could go on and on and on about and still never even begin to explain all the psychological damage that was done there, I guess I could start there. Or I could rant about how when I blog, or e-mail, or type anything on the computer I hate to capitalize therefore making this assignment very hard for me (I have already had to go back and fix at least seven of them)!

I guess in the end I do have something to say. Will it matter? Will anyone even read it? Will it even meet the requirements for my assignment? Who knows! I'm just here to be me and open my mind to anyone who decided to read. I suppose that someone somewhere might get something out of my writing. So here it goes!